“I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you” I whispered. Tears welled up and my chest was full of emotion. “I love you. I appreciate you so much. Thank you, thank you”. I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t ready to walk away. The side door was open, and I was looking inside her, and into a sea of memories.
There was no one there, inside my beloved van. And thankfully no one within 50 feet. I was in the front parking lot of Patrick Subaru about to drive away in something new, crying as I said goodbye to more than a car. I’m crying now, writing this. I know…I’m a sap. And I love that.
“You took me on the ride of a lifetime. You took me to the seas and the forests, under the sun, the moon, and the stars. We’ve been hot, we’ve been cold. It’s been happy, it’s been sad. We went together, again and again, into my fears and my aloneness, and my heart found joy and peace, healing and happiness along the way.”
This very blog started with a winter road trip I took in this van 4 winters ago. The 2015 posts and these pics share some of that adventure. I lived in the van for much of the time, and for 3 summers since then. I learned in it, dreamed it in, and let go in it. I journeyed inward and expanded outward.
“Thank you. I love you. I appreciate you,” I whispered one last time before walking away.
I know it’s for more than just that wonderful van my heart breaks. It’s for the journey I’ve been on since we met. It’s for feeling things I’d long forgotten. It’s for having experienced the peace that passes understanding, and the freedom of being enough for myself.
It’s gratitude, mixed with the sadness of letting go. Letting go of the past, of an expression of myself that is evolving into something new.
As much as life in that van was a grand adventure of my heart, it was perhaps the biggest daily reminder of the survival mindset that has shaped my life until now. Self-perception lies at the core of personal growth and true and lasting change can be difficult when we are constantly reminded by the familiar of who we think we are.
So it was time. Deep inner shifts and a changing life path involving travel were aligning with looming repair costs that outweighed what that van was worth. The car buying process had the effortlessness of all things that flow from deep listening and trust of what is heard there.
So it’s goodbye to my big and tired ol’ girl, and hello to my little blue beauty. A daily reminder of what is new, both in and all around me. Forever grateful for the ride of my past, I’m all in on the excitement of my Now.