Daily Archives: September 17, 2018

Loving the Sadist

I sat up on the couch I’d just been dreaming on. I could still feel the fear coursing through my body. Wow. It was the third night in a row I’d had a version of the same dream. I was being hunted by someone who wanted to hurt me. Not just shoot me or kill me by some other quick means. This man sought to make me suffer.

I was never alone in these dreams. I was always running and hiding with a young girl. I was trying to protect her. Doing so slowed me down, but leaving her behind was never an option. To abandon her would have allowed me to outdistance this man, and escape. It wasn’t as though I kept choosing to be heroic. There was no choice. It was like she was a part of me.

I can see many of you nodding your heads. If you have read anything about dreams and their meanings, I’m sure you already have an interpretation ready for me. I have read some of those books, and the idea that every character in our dreams is a representation of a subconscious aspect of ourselves certainly resonates.

Dreams of flight from something menacing are no doubt common. I have had versions of this dream off and on my whole life. In bunches, then they would stop for awhile, often for years. Or perhaps I just wasn’t remembering them.

As I sat there on the couch at 4 am, feeling the emotions of this latest version slowly begin to fade away, I asked and listened. What is that all about? What is unhealed within me that needs love? Certainly the me that was running didn’t feel loved. I’m not sure about the girl. I’m never her in the dream. I’m afraid FOR her, but that is my fear.

What about the man who hunts me to hurt me? Obviously no Love there. He is the darkest of fears, filled with hate. Is that me too?

Another idea that has resonated with me in recent years is that we are living in a time energetically that offers us the opportunity to heal on the soul level. To heal past life pain. To forgive others and ourselves in ways we were perhaps unable to do from a place of lower consciousness in previous lives.

Looking at my life it is easy for me to see an attachment to struggle. To life being hard. It is also easy to see the judgements I held due to seeing things as black or white, right or wrong. Add a gravity toward religion to the mix and it is not hard to accept the idea of having been both the persecuted and the persecutor in other lives.

Clearly there is a fearful man trying to survive within me. Is there also a murderer needing love within the scope of my soul? One who has hunted and tortured others, inflicting pain and suffering to match what he felt inside? Or who did so from a twisted view of what was right in the eyes of a wrathful God? I suspect so. The only important question is…can I love him too?

I found myself lying back down this morning, asking to go back into the same dream. The resonance of the fear was still there, but I wanted the chance to stop running. To get beyond my fear, my need to survive and to protect that girl. I wondered if the chase would stop if I had no fear. Would the hunter relent? What if I gave him a hug? Would he still kill me? Or would Love melt him away?