I sat in the rising sun this morning, (a bit later than this, 😉 feeling it’s warmth my skin. The energy of an homemade orange/ginger/celery juice was lighting me up on the inside. And for the first few moments, my mind was content to just enjoy that.
To just be there. The morning breeze rustling the leaves. The wild rabbits hopping about, nibbling on weeds. The ants beneath the chair moving intently on their silent missions. My deepening presence bringing It’s usual peace and quiet trust to my breath.
I noticed it didn’t take long for my mind to then reach for conclusions from yesterday. For the latest version of “I understand what’s going on”. I was reminded again of how desperate my mind is for that. That feeling of having things figured out.
A deep breath followed. I smiled inwardly at my mind.
No, friend, you don’t. You don’t know what is next. For Todd, for this country, for humankind. Let it go. Come, just breathe with me. The grace, the wonder of this moment is sweeter without the temporary comfort you seek. Can you feel this? This trust, this openness to the mystery of Life?
And the I that is my mind was reminded. I don’t know. And it is indeed sweeter that way. Held in the arms of something far more vast, filled with far more peace and potential than I can conjure up.
After awhile, the Arizona sun grew hot, and I came inside. I had second breakfast with old friend Alan Watts. My heart loves some Alan Watts. He puts my beliefs in the back seat. He is a voice of the unknown, of surrender. He is Zen- without the traditions.
I listened to the video below. And the end of it describes exactly where I was outside on the chair. Funny how that happens.
I went inside to go to the bathroom. My mind leaped at the opportunity. Something familiar! By the time I left headed back outside I was deep in a reminiscense of days gone by. Of a time of with more foundation. A more defined role. A lot more doing. And those accomplishments, that version of myself- oh how my mind loves to return there.
A warm pride and nostalgia fills me. I see it, I feel it. I enjoy the moment. There is nothing wrong with who we were, just as there isn’t with who we find ourselves to be Now.
I am grateful to know, however, that I can’t stay there. I can’t let the past keep me out of the present. I can’t trade the illusion of safety that memory offers for the magic of the unknown in my Now.
And so I go further into the moment.
To where, I just don’t know.